What the Hell am I doing Here?

I don't belong here...

If you immediately started to sing along to Radiohead’s Creep…..Welcome. If you wondered if you should send someone my way for a welfare check….also, Welcome.

I’m not 100% sure what I hope to offer or to gain through a membership to Substack, let alone a page in Substack, but…here I am.

I suppose an introduction might be in order. In my life I play a lot of roles, or wear a lot of hats, as they say. Professionally, I’m a mental health therapist, energy worker, space holder and someone who genuinely wants to help people to find their way through their own situations and struggles. I sing in four bands in Wyoming and Colorado and I’ve been singing in bands since about 2003 or so. My memory is absolute shit, so please take any information, especially timelines that I give through this platform with a grain of salt.

I’m a mother and a wife. I’m in a straight passing relationship but I don’t think I identify at straight. It’s a weird line to walk since I’ve been in a heteronormative heterosexual relationship since forever…but, I also grew up in the 80’s and 90’s when slut shaming was the norm and my body was only for the consumption of men. To be honest, I’ve never been fully on board with only dudes but, that was the option at the buffet that felt safest to eat. Everything else felt like it was impossible or isolating and I must admit, I was not brave enough to step outside of the proscribed relationship make up. To be fair, I am in a very good marriage and I did choose a great dude, so I do feel authentic within my relationship even though I’m not sure how to describe my sexuality or my sexual orientation.

My kids are old enough now that I know how to be a good mom to them. They’re both teenagers and it seems that this is where I really shine. Babies and toddlers, holy shit. What an absolute nightmare. As I tell my clients, nothing will activate your nervous system and your parts faster than your own kids refusing to acknowledge you with respect or even awareness. My parts had a field day with parenting back then and still do, but, I do think I’m finally a bit more self led in those encounters than I used to be.

I suppose that based on this post, this Substack will be a written word of the free floating diarrhea of my mind. If I filter myself too much, I’ll never post anything. If I keep things PG or “professional” I will absolutely lose the vulnerability that I would like to have present in my relationship with this community. I love to write and to create community through vulnerable exchanges of experiences, stories, poems, songs, sounds and shared space. So….Here we go…Thank you for being a part of this collective experience, however it shakes out.